Ugh, school.

Sometimes I feel like everyone gets so annoyed with me. When I blurt things out that I didn't stop to process beforehand, or when I get in a hyper mood and laugh like crazy for no reason while they stay serious or when I talk too much about Blaze (who is absolutely and totally and completely and incandescently perfect). You know those looks people give you? It's like all they can do not to tell me to shut up at all times. I admit it, I'm loud. I have too many opinions, and I'm not very good at listening to other people's. I should work on that.

Don't get me wrong -I love my class, and I love being a senior. I just think I was a little much for them today. *sigh* I always say the wrong things.

So this is when I introduce Blaze on the blog.

I'm a weird kid. I've always been sort of a fringer. Maybe because I say everything I feel without thinking? Or because I had imaginary friends until I was thirteen? Or because I love words like other people love shoes? I don't know. But I've never really found anyone who liked me enough to want a REAL relationship. I mean, my friends love me, and I love them... it's guys who aren't into "getting to know me" (not that it's hard... I'm one of those heart-on-the-sleeve types). I was always so0o0o0o0o scared I wouldn't get my first kiss before my 16th birthday... and then I DID right after I turned 15 and it was awful. He was dared, and I actually liked him. Then a couple of relationships all of which ended up with the guy getting a glimpse of the real me and running like hell (which of course, took a week or so).

I'm not beautiful. I'm not ugly. I'm one of those average-can-sometimes-be-pretty types. The problem is my personality is apparently intimidating.

And I've always known that I had high standards... especially after what happened to me in March (when I was molested). I couldn't even focus on guys after that, and even now -I'm sort of afraid of sexual contact of any kind. I can't explain it... it's like a sick feeling that starts in my stomach and simmers up to the back of my throat if I think about... kissing. Or anything like that.

Until Blaze.

Blaze is the one person who knows me through and through... who I've poured my thoughts, memories and opinions out on time and time again. And he listens. And he stays. He once said to me that he wanted to incorporate every aspect of my life into his. He's beautiful.

I'm a Christian and he's an atheist, and he still loves me.

I'm mud-colored everything and he's got green eyes and curly hair and freckles, and he loves me.

I'm a virgin and he's not, but it somehow doesn't matter to me at all.

I actually love him. And I don't toss that word around like a lot of teenagers. I don't lie.

The kicker is, he lives 6000 miles away. It's absolutely and positively soul-destroying.

And the weird thing is, I never EVER believed in long distance relationships. Come to think of it, I was pretty bitter/cynical about the love thing in general. I didn't want to feel this at all for him... but I do. I never wanted to hear the word soulmate in my own voice... (it's called CHEESY) but he IS. Embarrassing. But I admit it.

We don't want to date... I don't want to put him under that kind of obligation until we live near each other (then I'm TOTALLY proposing... lol). The thing is, I'm not attracted at all to anyone else. Why would I be?

When I go through school, and one of those Christian teachers (because I'm not "christian enough" for my school... yeah, I believe in tolerance? Get over it?) makes some disparaging comment about my "attitude" -I hear his voice in my head. When my Mom and Dad are shrieking about me over anything, and advising me to "get right with God" I think about him so I won't cry. He's like this little corner of happiness I can pull out when I'm sad. He accepts what I believe without trying to change me.

I didn't want to trust any guy ever again, but I trust him. We talk about everything, and I KNOW he'll never use any of it against me like my parents. I love him.

When I was molested, I told him and he basically saved my life. I was that destroyed over what had happened -he's the one who convinced me to be strong. He's the reason I made this blog in the first place, to start to heal. And I HAVE healed. That's the beauty of it.

It's ridiculous, and insane, and totally inconceivable. And I love him anyway.

Welcome to my life =]