August Dreams

Before I die, I want these things. Be forewarned, I am a hopeless romantic and most of my dreams will reflect that.

-I want to get through college and become a successful, professional lawyer.

-I want to own a trendy, modern penthouse... yes, with a jacuzzi on the roof.

-I want to live in both Greece

and Ireland at some point in my life

-I want to get a tattoo of a phoenix

only more detailed and on the small of my back.

-I want to be married under the stars

and later I want to skinny dip with my husband in the starlight... you know? So it looks like we're swimming in universe instead of lake.

-I want to be kissed like this

and this

and this... especially the rain part.

-I want to own this car

and I want to be picked up in my scruffy old jeans, sat on its hood and kissed like I've never been kissed in the fading sunlight.

-I want to learn to dance... especially classic dances like the swing

And I want this jukebox in the corner jamming away while I'm groovin' in my swirly-skirted dress.

-I want to own a small coffee house, with an open mic poetry night alternating with live local music night.

-I want to lay with the person I love for a full 24 hours under the sky, just existing on the grass together watching the sun rise twice.

-I want to find the perfect dress.

-I want to be exactly like this lady when I'm old, sitting with my cigar and people-watching on a crowded sidewalk.

-I want to die falling from a great height.

When I'm ready to go, I'll find a good spot, spread my arms, tip myself over and pretend I'm flying.

That is all.

Ugh, school.

Sometimes I feel like everyone gets so annoyed with me. When I blurt things out that I didn't stop to process beforehand, or when I get in a hyper mood and laugh like crazy for no reason while they stay serious or when I talk too much about Blaze (who is absolutely and totally and completely and incandescently perfect). You know those looks people give you? It's like all they can do not to tell me to shut up at all times. I admit it, I'm loud. I have too many opinions, and I'm not very good at listening to other people's. I should work on that.

Don't get me wrong -I love my class, and I love being a senior. I just think I was a little much for them today. *sigh* I always say the wrong things.

So this is when I introduce Blaze on the blog.

I'm a weird kid. I've always been sort of a fringer. Maybe because I say everything I feel without thinking? Or because I had imaginary friends until I was thirteen? Or because I love words like other people love shoes? I don't know. But I've never really found anyone who liked me enough to want a REAL relationship. I mean, my friends love me, and I love them... it's guys who aren't into "getting to know me" (not that it's hard... I'm one of those heart-on-the-sleeve types). I was always so0o0o0o0o scared I wouldn't get my first kiss before my 16th birthday... and then I DID right after I turned 15 and it was awful. He was dared, and I actually liked him. Then a couple of relationships all of which ended up with the guy getting a glimpse of the real me and running like hell (which of course, took a week or so).

I'm not beautiful. I'm not ugly. I'm one of those average-can-sometimes-be-pretty types. The problem is my personality is apparently intimidating.

And I've always known that I had high standards... especially after what happened to me in March (when I was molested). I couldn't even focus on guys after that, and even now -I'm sort of afraid of sexual contact of any kind. I can't explain it... it's like a sick feeling that starts in my stomach and simmers up to the back of my throat if I think about... kissing. Or anything like that.

Until Blaze.

Blaze is the one person who knows me through and through... who I've poured my thoughts, memories and opinions out on time and time again. And he listens. And he stays. He once said to me that he wanted to incorporate every aspect of my life into his. He's beautiful.

I'm a Christian and he's an atheist, and he still loves me.

I'm mud-colored everything and he's got green eyes and curly hair and freckles, and he loves me.

I'm a virgin and he's not, but it somehow doesn't matter to me at all.

I actually love him. And I don't toss that word around like a lot of teenagers. I don't lie.

The kicker is, he lives 6000 miles away. It's absolutely and positively soul-destroying.

And the weird thing is, I never EVER believed in long distance relationships. Come to think of it, I was pretty bitter/cynical about the love thing in general. I didn't want to feel this at all for him... but I do. I never wanted to hear the word soulmate in my own voice... (it's called CHEESY) but he IS. Embarrassing. But I admit it.

We don't want to date... I don't want to put him under that kind of obligation until we live near each other (then I'm TOTALLY proposing... lol). The thing is, I'm not attracted at all to anyone else. Why would I be?

When I go through school, and one of those Christian teachers (because I'm not "christian enough" for my school... yeah, I believe in tolerance? Get over it?) makes some disparaging comment about my "attitude" -I hear his voice in my head. When my Mom and Dad are shrieking about me over anything, and advising me to "get right with God" I think about him so I won't cry. He's like this little corner of happiness I can pull out when I'm sad. He accepts what I believe without trying to change me.

I didn't want to trust any guy ever again, but I trust him. We talk about everything, and I KNOW he'll never use any of it against me like my parents. I love him.

When I was molested, I told him and he basically saved my life. I was that destroyed over what had happened -he's the one who convinced me to be strong. He's the reason I made this blog in the first place, to start to heal. And I HAVE healed. That's the beauty of it.

It's ridiculous, and insane, and totally inconceivable. And I love him anyway.

Welcome to my life =]

My Style part I

I love these dresses... so... very... much... lol.

These are my more casual obsessions:

I love how simple this dress is... it's still completely chic though. I could imagine wearing it with one of those really cute big-beaded necklaces.

you gotta love the buttons... I like the second one the best. I could totally imagine the over-dress with peppermint stripes =] <3

I love the top of this dress... the heart shape of the bodice, the sleeves, the tie on the side... it's just simple and amazingly pretty.

Can't go wrong with vintage =] I would love this dress maybe in a light pink, or with light pink swirls over the white. Maybe even a pretty shade of yellow? Anyway, it's gorgeous.

And for the more formal occasion =D :

definitely not as a wedding dress, lol... but I love that beadwork. I'd like it a lot shorter though... so it would have more of a chic feel to it. Maybe if it fell to midthigh? Or else if it was long it might look amazing with the mermaid-flared skirt? =]

... need I say more?

I think this dress would be absolutely FLAWLESS in a light shimmery silver =]

okay, so you'd have to be crazy to wear this dress just ANYWHERE... but it doesn't change the fact that it's completely and utterly beautiful. *sniff* I was totally born in the wrong century.

To My Beautiful Sister =]

This is a tribute I wrote for my beautiful, strong sister. I love you, honey =]

Unassumed Worth

This is a song for the selfless,

The unassuming sweetness you trail behind you

when you smile, corners nodding and eyes

scintillating wisely, the marrow of your gleaming aura

as your spinning fingers trap the strains

of song in the dimpled, pudgy digits of those who 

run to and always receive –to your very core, you wipe

their snotty little faces with that ripped-up-old-rag of family.

I love you for it, you hint of all the purity lost on this world. 

-that one thought you can always feel behind your mind’s 

processes but never breathe into the substantial-

  This is a song for the broken but faithful,

when I fell, you dug your knees into the pain and crawled on.

when I cried, you saddled your clipped-wing shoulders

with my leaden, smoky tears, and glazed my sorrow 

with that smile I know so well by now –

when I turned from the dignity of that incense rain –and love –

you drank from the torrent, tangible grace running down your chin

and bleeding from your eyes as you healed.

 This is a song for the silent but strong,

when your fears seem to harden in your flaring nostrils,

choking the air from your radiant and giddy perfection,

the beauty in your breath nearly abated by the tears, and

 memories unseen.

You rise again, dusting off those feathery white sky-singers

you even refuse to reflect to yourself.

You give all you have with every outstretched offering,

caring to the capacity of your unblackened arms,

and I love you. 

  I’ll keep myself wrapped around you as long as you need it,

remember how many times you were my solace from 

the dark reaches of this existence?

I’ll carry you until you can unfurl alone,

until you’re ready to fly solo –

with all the glory of that one soul in six billion who 

could dance as high as she wanted, and never be melted

by the plummeting eye of judgment day –

because the wax weaving through your frame isn’t wax 

at all, but

  iron –flawless elegance and excellence

that resonates to the very center of your spirit,

and holds you up like a paper-angel

wheeling through the clouds in a storm-soaked heaven.