Thank You

It's been months since I was molested. Sometimes it feels like years... and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I still think about it sometimes, but I'm so glad to say that it doesn't destroy me every time anymore. Those weeks immediately after what happened I remember the mind-numbing fear, and the insomnia, and the relentless guilt... I remember how I'd recieve messages from him on the phone and just sob with complete and irrational terror and shame (my friends who didn't know at the time gave him my number). I remember dreaming of my friends screaming "Whore." at me and spitting in my face, and dreaming that he was coming after me for telling people when he told me not to. I remember how I shook, when I caught a glimpse of him at a fair, and I remember how I would rub the place on my lip where the bruise had been and scratch my hands because they still felt dirty. I'm writing this now, without shaking, without overwhelming guilt and without tears. I feel strong for the first time.

I want to thank the people that helped me make it, even when it probably looked like I was going insane. (I know this is kind of defeating the purpose of the anonymous blog, but it needs to be said and it's obsolete since they know anyway. It's become less important that I remain anonymous).

Thank you, Ben. Before I even knew what to do with myself, before the shock cleared away enough for me to get depressed you were there to understand. You held my tattered mind together until I could stand on my own, and you didn't abandon me even when I was so needy it must have been draining. You constantly supported me, and didn't blame me for my feelings. You let me sort things out while offering your logic as a frame. I love you.

Thank you, Conor, for showing me how to be strong, and for being my safety net when I decided to stand. Thank you for listening to all my woes, and for believing in me. You make me want to believe in myself, you make me strive to be a better person. Thank you for loving me, and for making me feel safe when I didn't think I ever could be again. Thank you for everything you've said that makes me keep hoping and keep moving forward. I love you, I beyond love you.

Thank you, Ana, for listening to me and for not judging me when other people did. Thank you for hugging me and not letting go when I really needed to cry on someone. Thank you for taking up my cause and standing up to the people who have hurt me. Thank you for always making me laugh. I love you.

Thank you, Sister, for all the understanding and support you've given me. Thank you for trusting me with your story, and telling it here. Thank you for being the beautiful, strong person you are. Thank you for teaching me how to survive, and showing me what real faith looks like. I love you.

Thank you, Nick, for being constant. Thank you for just BEING with me, when you knew I didn't want to talk. Thank you for that cold hard reality check you always gave when I was in wallow mode. Thank you for all the times you've let me vent to you when you were going through hard times as well. You're such a great friend. I love you.

Thank you, Maria. You forgave me for things I had held against you so easily. I'm sorry I was such a shitty friend. Thank you for still being there for me, in spite of it all, and for listening when I could finally tell you the story. I love you.

Thank you Vane and Jossy for not letting our friendship fall apart. You're always true to yourselves, and I love you.

Thank you Connor and Marcelo for helping in all the ways you could, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I love you.

To any of you who read this blog, thank you. You know who you are and I appreciate your support immensely. If you are a victim of sexual abuse or assault, please read "This is My Story." or e-mail me at phoenix_alias@hotmail.com