August Dreams

Before I die, I want these things. Be forewarned, I am a hopeless romantic and most of my dreams will reflect that.

-I want to get through college and become a successful, professional lawyer.

-I want to own a trendy, modern penthouse... yes, with a jacuzzi on the roof.

-I want to live in both Greece

and Ireland at some point in my life

-I want to get a tattoo of a phoenix

only more detailed and on the small of my back.

-I want to be married under the stars

and later I want to skinny dip with my husband in the starlight... you know? So it looks like we're swimming in universe instead of lake.

-I want to be kissed like this

and this

and this... especially the rain part.

-I want to own this car

and I want to be picked up in my scruffy old jeans, sat on its hood and kissed like I've never been kissed in the fading sunlight.

-I want to learn to dance... especially classic dances like the swing

And I want this jukebox in the corner jamming away while I'm groovin' in my swirly-skirted dress.

-I want to own a small coffee house, with an open mic poetry night alternating with live local music night.

-I want to lay with the person I love for a full 24 hours under the sky, just existing on the grass together watching the sun rise twice.

-I want to find the perfect dress.

-I want to be exactly like this lady when I'm old, sitting with my cigar and people-watching on a crowded sidewalk.

-I want to die falling from a great height.

When I'm ready to go, I'll find a good spot, spread my arms, tip myself over and pretend I'm flying.

That is all.

Ugh, school.

Sometimes I feel like everyone gets so annoyed with me. When I blurt things out that I didn't stop to process beforehand, or when I get in a hyper mood and laugh like crazy for no reason while they stay serious or when I talk too much about Blaze (who is absolutely and totally and completely and incandescently perfect). You know those looks people give you? It's like all they can do not to tell me to shut up at all times. I admit it, I'm loud. I have too many opinions, and I'm not very good at listening to other people's. I should work on that.

Don't get me wrong -I love my class, and I love being a senior. I just think I was a little much for them today. *sigh* I always say the wrong things.

So this is when I introduce Blaze on the blog.

I'm a weird kid. I've always been sort of a fringer. Maybe because I say everything I feel without thinking? Or because I had imaginary friends until I was thirteen? Or because I love words like other people love shoes? I don't know. But I've never really found anyone who liked me enough to want a REAL relationship. I mean, my friends love me, and I love them... it's guys who aren't into "getting to know me" (not that it's hard... I'm one of those heart-on-the-sleeve types). I was always so0o0o0o0o scared I wouldn't get my first kiss before my 16th birthday... and then I DID right after I turned 15 and it was awful. He was dared, and I actually liked him. Then a couple of relationships all of which ended up with the guy getting a glimpse of the real me and running like hell (which of course, took a week or so).

I'm not beautiful. I'm not ugly. I'm one of those average-can-sometimes-be-pretty types. The problem is my personality is apparently intimidating.

And I've always known that I had high standards... especially after what happened to me in March (when I was molested). I couldn't even focus on guys after that, and even now -I'm sort of afraid of sexual contact of any kind. I can't explain it... it's like a sick feeling that starts in my stomach and simmers up to the back of my throat if I think about... kissing. Or anything like that.

Until Blaze.

Blaze is the one person who knows me through and through... who I've poured my thoughts, memories and opinions out on time and time again. And he listens. And he stays. He once said to me that he wanted to incorporate every aspect of my life into his. He's beautiful.

I'm a Christian and he's an atheist, and he still loves me.

I'm mud-colored everything and he's got green eyes and curly hair and freckles, and he loves me.

I'm a virgin and he's not, but it somehow doesn't matter to me at all.

I actually love him. And I don't toss that word around like a lot of teenagers. I don't lie.

The kicker is, he lives 6000 miles away. It's absolutely and positively soul-destroying.

And the weird thing is, I never EVER believed in long distance relationships. Come to think of it, I was pretty bitter/cynical about the love thing in general. I didn't want to feel this at all for him... but I do. I never wanted to hear the word soulmate in my own voice... (it's called CHEESY) but he IS. Embarrassing. But I admit it.

We don't want to date... I don't want to put him under that kind of obligation until we live near each other (then I'm TOTALLY proposing... lol). The thing is, I'm not attracted at all to anyone else. Why would I be?

When I go through school, and one of those Christian teachers (because I'm not "christian enough" for my school... yeah, I believe in tolerance? Get over it?) makes some disparaging comment about my "attitude" -I hear his voice in my head. When my Mom and Dad are shrieking about me over anything, and advising me to "get right with God" I think about him so I won't cry. He's like this little corner of happiness I can pull out when I'm sad. He accepts what I believe without trying to change me.

I didn't want to trust any guy ever again, but I trust him. We talk about everything, and I KNOW he'll never use any of it against me like my parents. I love him.

When I was molested, I told him and he basically saved my life. I was that destroyed over what had happened -he's the one who convinced me to be strong. He's the reason I made this blog in the first place, to start to heal. And I HAVE healed. That's the beauty of it.

It's ridiculous, and insane, and totally inconceivable. And I love him anyway.

Welcome to my life =]

My Style part I

I love these dresses... so... very... much... lol.

These are my more casual obsessions:

I love how simple this dress is... it's still completely chic though. I could imagine wearing it with one of those really cute big-beaded necklaces.

you gotta love the buttons... I like the second one the best. I could totally imagine the over-dress with peppermint stripes =] <3

I love the top of this dress... the heart shape of the bodice, the sleeves, the tie on the side... it's just simple and amazingly pretty.

Can't go wrong with vintage =] I would love this dress maybe in a light pink, or with light pink swirls over the white. Maybe even a pretty shade of yellow? Anyway, it's gorgeous.

And for the more formal occasion =D :

definitely not as a wedding dress, lol... but I love that beadwork. I'd like it a lot shorter though... so it would have more of a chic feel to it. Maybe if it fell to midthigh? Or else if it was long it might look amazing with the mermaid-flared skirt? =]

... need I say more?

I think this dress would be absolutely FLAWLESS in a light shimmery silver =]

okay, so you'd have to be crazy to wear this dress just ANYWHERE... but it doesn't change the fact that it's completely and utterly beautiful. *sniff* I was totally born in the wrong century.

To My Beautiful Sister =]

This is a tribute I wrote for my beautiful, strong sister. I love you, honey =]

Unassumed Worth

This is a song for the selfless,

The unassuming sweetness you trail behind you

when you smile, corners nodding and eyes

scintillating wisely, the marrow of your gleaming aura

as your spinning fingers trap the strains

of song in the dimpled, pudgy digits of those who 

run to and always receive –to your very core, you wipe

their snotty little faces with that ripped-up-old-rag of family.

I love you for it, you hint of all the purity lost on this world. 

-that one thought you can always feel behind your mind’s 

processes but never breathe into the substantial-

  This is a song for the broken but faithful,

when I fell, you dug your knees into the pain and crawled on.

when I cried, you saddled your clipped-wing shoulders

with my leaden, smoky tears, and glazed my sorrow 

with that smile I know so well by now –

when I turned from the dignity of that incense rain –and love –

you drank from the torrent, tangible grace running down your chin

and bleeding from your eyes as you healed.

 This is a song for the silent but strong,

when your fears seem to harden in your flaring nostrils,

choking the air from your radiant and giddy perfection,

the beauty in your breath nearly abated by the tears, and

 memories unseen.

You rise again, dusting off those feathery white sky-singers

you even refuse to reflect to yourself.

You give all you have with every outstretched offering,

caring to the capacity of your unblackened arms,

and I love you. 

  I’ll keep myself wrapped around you as long as you need it,

remember how many times you were my solace from 

the dark reaches of this existence?

I’ll carry you until you can unfurl alone,

until you’re ready to fly solo –

with all the glory of that one soul in six billion who 

could dance as high as she wanted, and never be melted

by the plummeting eye of judgment day –

because the wax weaving through your frame isn’t wax 

at all, but

  iron –flawless elegance and excellence

that resonates to the very center of your spirit,

and holds you up like a paper-angel

wheeling through the clouds in a storm-soaked heaven.

Hells Yeaaah!

One of my poems, Justification, was recently read aloud on the plinth in London... which is basically a live statue where every hour for 100 days a new person steps up and presents what they feel is part of a portrait of the UK today. One of my friends decided to do a presentation on the paramount importance of friendship and love... and it ended up looking AMAZING but they also read poems on that theme... so I wrote one and it got read in front of WHO KNOWS HOW MANY PEOPLE!!! I'm so excited and happy... but anyway, here's the poem and hope y'all like it.

Justification

I could weep footprint after footprint, scarring

teardrops down the earth’s brown flesh 

in a line of intricately obsolete evidence

          
             -I was here-

 
I could wander cloaked in the grey hue of anonymity 

a wraith in the corner of the blind man’s eye

Trail myself through Fibonacci roads and the wrinkle on 

a newborn brow. I could filter through the 

cupped fingers that the expectant child  is

blushing protectively over taut mother skin. 

 
I could stand at the top of the world, 

fists raised to the galaxies unfurled before me,

and deliver the roar of my defiance to the soil 

my sole traveled from head to toe.

 
    -I’ve left my mark-

 
And my proclamation would lose itself on the wind

and my days would be obliterated with the gentle

rebuke of the ceaseless snowfall.

 
and I would stand to the end of my days and 

never once have conquered  the flicker of resolution 

For which I poured myself dry.

 
So I’ll cup your embrace into mine

gather your shimmering essence to myself.

I’ll gaze into the eternities you embody 

and dance with the mist of unconditional grace

 
your eyes exalt in.

 
I’ll braid my praise into your dreams

and your hopes in every security 

I can hold for you, like an oak that longs for

you to sob into its solid consolation.

 
I’ll take the inspiration you bleed from every pore

and bathe myself til I run red with you.

 
I’ll entwine your beauty with my very being

and wheel with you through time like the stars.

you justify my existence.

Thank You

It's been months since I was molested. Sometimes it feels like years... and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I still think about it sometimes, but I'm so glad to say that it doesn't destroy me every time anymore. Those weeks immediately after what happened I remember the mind-numbing fear, and the insomnia, and the relentless guilt... I remember how I'd recieve messages from him on the phone and just sob with complete and irrational terror and shame (my friends who didn't know at the time gave him my number). I remember dreaming of my friends screaming "Whore." at me and spitting in my face, and dreaming that he was coming after me for telling people when he told me not to. I remember how I shook, when I caught a glimpse of him at a fair, and I remember how I would rub the place on my lip where the bruise had been and scratch my hands because they still felt dirty. I'm writing this now, without shaking, without overwhelming guilt and without tears. I feel strong for the first time.

I want to thank the people that helped me make it, even when it probably looked like I was going insane. (I know this is kind of defeating the purpose of the anonymous blog, but it needs to be said and it's obsolete since they know anyway. It's become less important that I remain anonymous).

Thank you, Ben. Before I even knew what to do with myself, before the shock cleared away enough for me to get depressed you were there to understand. You held my tattered mind together until I could stand on my own, and you didn't abandon me even when I was so needy it must have been draining. You constantly supported me, and didn't blame me for my feelings. You let me sort things out while offering your logic as a frame. I love you.

Thank you, Conor, for showing me how to be strong, and for being my safety net when I decided to stand. Thank you for listening to all my woes, and for believing in me. You make me want to believe in myself, you make me strive to be a better person. Thank you for loving me, and for making me feel safe when I didn't think I ever could be again. Thank you for everything you've said that makes me keep hoping and keep moving forward. I love you, I beyond love you.

Thank you, Ana, for listening to me and for not judging me when other people did. Thank you for hugging me and not letting go when I really needed to cry on someone. Thank you for taking up my cause and standing up to the people who have hurt me. Thank you for always making me laugh. I love you.

Thank you, Sister, for all the understanding and support you've given me. Thank you for trusting me with your story, and telling it here. Thank you for being the beautiful, strong person you are. Thank you for teaching me how to survive, and showing me what real faith looks like. I love you.

Thank you, Nick, for being constant. Thank you for just BEING with me, when you knew I didn't want to talk. Thank you for that cold hard reality check you always gave when I was in wallow mode. Thank you for all the times you've let me vent to you when you were going through hard times as well. You're such a great friend. I love you.

Thank you, Maria. You forgave me for things I had held against you so easily. I'm sorry I was such a shitty friend. Thank you for still being there for me, in spite of it all, and for listening when I could finally tell you the story. I love you.

Thank you Vane and Jossy for not letting our friendship fall apart. You're always true to yourselves, and I love you.

Thank you Connor and Marcelo for helping in all the ways you could, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I love you.

To any of you who read this blog, thank you. You know who you are and I appreciate your support immensely. If you are a victim of sexual abuse or assault, please read "This is My Story." or e-mail me at phoenix_alias@hotmail.com

I wrote a new poem... in a very different style than my usual. So I thought I'd post it and see what people thought. It's inspired by Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" and in a form called Villanelle... which basically means every line ends in one of two sounds (lotsa rhyming) and that there are two lines repeated alternated at the end of each stanza. What I meant to say with the poem is that (although this sounds campy) I'm grateful for the dark time that I went through... all the crap and pain. I feel like I've become something brighter... something with more purpose through it. Hope ya'll like it =]

And, Rising

And, rising, bless the Cimmerian shade of night
With cupped snowflake-skin flowing, bathed in sultry rebirth
Praise the darkness that impregnated your essence with light.

 Now permeated with scent of ashes, grasp with might
the memories of a child once holy in its innocence of mirth
And, rising, bless the Cimmerian shade of night.

 And gaze raptly, effervescent, drunk with flight –
into the Neverwere of existence that soured your birth
Praise the darkness that impregnated your essence with light.

 When young, you were all-ignorance – in lack of sorrow, bright
Smote the mocking fruit of knowledge: caress with stable blaze the earth
And, rising, bless the Cimmerian shade of night.

 With scars that unfurl like ribbons of wings you will alight
Entwine your luminescence with those unmarred before the curse –
Praise the darkness that impregnated your essence with light.

 You misconstrued the pain that seared, but now you fight
No longer complacent, idle –embrace the warrior death brought forth
And, rising, bless the Cimmerian shade of night –
Praise the darkness that impregnated your essence with light.

  *Cimmerian Shade is a phrase I found that was based on the superstition in Greece that there had been a different people who lieved in a city called Cimeria found in a misty forest... a perpetually dark and mysterious place. The phrase became synonymous with Obscurity =D 
I made up the word Neverwere... it seemed appropriate here... lol.

She's back: No more emo lists

So after that huge long rant yesterday about the things that I hate, I figured I owed you guys some things that I love.

1) That feeling you get when someone calls you beautiful, even if you don't quite believe them... the sort of jumpy feeling in your solar plexus. =]

2) Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream, steaming hot coffee, food in general, LOL

3) Dandelions (along with all yellow flowers)

4) Bizarre movies... like Stardust and Big Fish and The Phantom of the Opera

5) Speaking spanish around people who don't understand it =P

6) Singing: everywhere... like in the shower?

7) Poetry: it's just frikkin beautiful. Reading and writing it feels like euphoria.

8) Rain in general: the smell, the storm, the sensation of it on your skin... mmmmmm

9) Roller Coastaaaahs!!!!

10) Words... I mean beautiful words. I love flabbergasted and dappled and unfurled and recreant... to name a few.

11)Phizzwizards.

For those of you who don't know what a phizzwizard is: there are good dreams, there are bad dreams, there are nightmares and there are phizzwizards. A phizzwizard is a dream where you wake up laughing, or at the very least smiling. It makes everything seem golden, if only for a little while.

12) Greek mythology... Athena's my favorite =D

13) Dresses... like this one!

Hahaha, so there, I found more things I love than hate. =D Mouthfuls of ladybugs to you all!! (because, surprise surprise I also love ladybugs =] )

If you want to piss me off...

Things I really hate:

1)When people say "Life isn't fair." Hell... maybe it isn't. The point is that EVERYONE is ALWAYS using that statement to justify something they're doing that is unfair. It doesn't justify anything!! If Hitler had said that to the Jews or homosexuals or mentally challenged, I doubt any of them would have agreed that because life in general is not fair they should just accept that they were going to be killed based on superficial conditions. WHY do we think that because some things happen that are not just or merited, we can turn around and do the same to other people. If you're going to make a difference in the world, make it a better place, you have to go AGAINST the unjust.

2)When parents decide that their child isn't a full person with their own identity, ideas, beliefs and desires until they turn 18. Nuff said.

3)When people are angry with you, disgusted by something you do or just plain hate you but still act friendly and happy when you're around. Then start talking to other people about whatever it is they really feel.

4) When you invest a bunch of time in someone, tell them (or show them) all those quirky details that make you YOU -basically trust them enough to let them know EXACTLY who you are -and they decide it's not good enough.

5) Onions.

6) When people who I really trust keep stuff from me -even if I tell them everything.

7) People who don't understand you and therefore decide that you're not worthy of being understood.

8)Stalkerish people... those creeps who can't help but meddle in EVERYTHING ANYONE is going through.

9)When you drink coffee and then feel dehydrated instead of having more energy.

10)The blinking cursor when you really need to write but can't think of what to say.

UGH... sorry... one of those days.

The Non-Ending II

She wept, mired in her sorrow and 
  
 
  
chained to mourning. She bled perpetual grief
  
 
  
from bruised eyes, blackened beyond recognition. 
  
 
  
And the free hills wept with her, breathing shadows 
  
 
  
poisoned with the absence of light.
  
 
  
and the stars flickered in their earthly graves,
  
 
  
and the skies reflected her woe, the ashes of their emptiness
  
 
  
slowly settling on her spirit.
  
 
  
 
  
When a small tendril of color caressed her face
  
 
  
singing itself into her battered mind
  
 
  
from the very depths of her surrounding hell.
  
 
  
She rose to face this new terror –
  
 
  
she lifted her broken body and trembled into the darkness
  
 
  
and the day came, a sun in itself
  
 
  
reaching out to brush away the soot from her skin as the song reached her lips.
  
 
  
She gasped with pain as it placed its palm on her heart
  
 
  
 
  
 - the blackness ceased.-
  
 
  
 
  
She looked down, to see her skin alive again
  
 
  
throbbing again with new life.
  
 
  
and the red began to flow, sparking in her veins,
  
 
  
red blood, red as roses.
  
 
  
and it ignited her pale shell as it went.
  
 
  
And she blazed in the darkness like the sun.
  
 
  
 
  
And she laughed as her eyes became living coals
  
 
  
shining with life, they lifted her broken feet from the ground
  
 
  
and set her in the sky where she flew for the first time.
  
 
  
She soared through the lightning 
  
 
  
-the indigo of her dreams reincarnated-
  
 
  
and roared with the thunder of her very soul
  
 
  
 
  
born on fiery wings, she flung fistfuls of stars back 
  
 
  
to their nocturnal embrace
  
 
  
 
  
-constellations of freedom-
  
 
  
 
  
She alighted above the free hills
  
 
  
and rejoiced with them in her deliverance
  
 
  
 she pricked her strong fingers,
  
 
  
planting embers of seeds with every drop of ruby
  
 
  
she smiled as she watched them sprout
  
 
  
red as roses.
  
 
  
 
  
She smiled to be alive, 
  
 
  
no longer golden,
  
 
  
 -no longer a child-
  
 
  
But filled with the strength of her fall
  
 
  
and drenched in the flames of her second coming